maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
