So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
