I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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