Just took my morning after pill in the library
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Randomize
