i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
