He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
