it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize