I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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