I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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