I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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