I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
