my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He shit in the fireplace
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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