i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
