Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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