someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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