just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
