I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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