Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
