i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
