i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
