My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
