I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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