jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
