I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
