1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
