So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
