the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
