mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
