i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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