Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
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