man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
