I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize