There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize