guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
