I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize