M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
