I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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