you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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