Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I want a musical about memes.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
