I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
