Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
