Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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