The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
