I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
