Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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