did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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