another moral hangover. fuck.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I could fuck to npr.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
