apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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