do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
