Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
