I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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