Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize