have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Randomize
