Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
