I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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