new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize