I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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